Where It All Begins
Approaching Difficult Conversations, and Where the Abortion Conversation Must Begin
Before we can have a conversation about the Abortion topic with anyone,
we need to establish our approach and preparation for difficult conversational topics in general.
A few somethings.
First…
a threefold consideration:
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I don’t mean spending time alone while scrolling through FB, Tumblr, Locals, YT.
I mean… really, spending time with ourselves.
Alone.
If you’re a writing type like I am, write out questions and thoughts.
If you’re a speaking type, voice record your questions and thoughts.
If you’re visual, try a private youtube video.
The idea is not to broadcast our thoughts… but to explore them with ourselves. Wrestle with our perceptions. Be uncomfortable with some questions. Be vulnerable. Be vulnerable with ourselves. (That can be a lot harder than it sounds…)
Give yourself permission for uncertainty.
Give yourself permission to be absolutely convicted, too.
Things take time to think about and come to conclusions on.
Sometimes it takes a LOT of time.
And a LOT of mistakes.
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I used to be the type of person to spout off my beliefs wherever, however, and without thoughtful intentions. Let the pieces fall as they may. Damage control be damned.
However, I have had a gradual change of heart about what it means to be convicted in my beliefs, and what I want to do about it (the “role” I want to play). It’s an ongoing exploration.
Below, XYZ is a belief, value, faith, political stance, etc. (and there are no wrong answers.. they are only for our own self-discovery. They are keys on a map we can use, not destinations):
“If I truly believe XYZ… am I embodying it?”
“If no… why not? Is XYZ not that important to me? Why or why not? Have I not thought about it too much? Why not?”
“If yes, am I happy about how I’m embodying it? Is my embodiment aligning well, or not?”
“How do I want to embody XYZ?”
“DO I even want to embody this belief about XYZ, and if not.. why not?”
“If so… why, and to what end?”
“What good for myself and for others will I do by my role?”
Maybe my role is
… to stop being reactionary (re-posting blogs, responding to FB posts, echoing news articles, etc.),
… be become creationary instead:
… to create art about XYZ. Make music for XYZ. Write about XYZ.
Maybe my role is
… to pray about XYZ
… to donate to XYZ.
… to volunteer (or find employment) for the sake of XYZ.
Spending time with our heart isn’t just coming up with conclusions about our values and beliefs. It’s also finding out how XYZ really affects us, or doesn’t… and how we hope to affect (or not affect) others in our embodiment of XYZ.
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Listening.
It’s what I learned in grade school… yet when someone is saying something I find abominable, or rude, or just not true… my heart starts racing, heat rises into my chest and face, and I just feel like I need to spit out a response before the other person keeps speaking chaos into the world.
But
A. That’s not how listening works. and
B. That’s not how truth works. Truth doesn’t become less true by someone speaking chaos (partial truths, illogical arguments, etc).
Listening respects the time and hurt and confusion and courage the other has undergone to come to their conclusions.
Listening understands that they have just as much a colorful mind and background as you do. Their conclusions are valid. You may not believe they are good, true, or noble… but they are valid. Christ would listen. We can listen.
Respect does not just mean admiration.
Respect is acknowledging another’s humanity.
Listening is respecting another’s humanity, that they are made in the image of God.
Imago Dei.
In the heat of a difficult Listening, it can help to remember (I have little practice in this.. let me know what you think or if you’ve tried this yourself) that Truth is True and nothing and no one can change Truth, because it is True.
So relax. Breathe.
Listen not to respond.
But to Listen.
Keep your own role in mind as you listen.
Keep Listening.
Second…
before we can discuss Abortion (or any tough topic) with someone, it’s important to find out:
What do we want to get out of this conversation by talking about this right here and now?
… Do we want to change the other’s mind?
… Do we just want to share what we believe about the topic, just to get to know each other better?
… Will disagreement about the topic damage our relationship? OR is disagreement okay?
… Do we just want to vent, and there is no interest in discussion?
… Maybe we don’t need to talk about this here and now, but we want to continue another place and time?
Not every important conversation needs to happen at any time and place.
Not every important conversation should happen in any time and place.
Important topics require time for nuance.
They require safety in space.
Once expectations and intentions are established,
we can decide if we want to proceed on the topic (whatever heavy topic).
Maybe neither of us minds if our relationship will be damaged by disagreement on the topic?
Maybe our relationship is too important to be damaged by a topic that is not relevant to our typical interactions? (a family situation, visiting with someone, or a coworker situation).
Whatever the intentions, whatever the expectations… we should figure it out if we can.
And then decide together if pursuing discussion is the right choice for us at the given place and time.
Or maybe another place.
Another time.
Which leads us to the
Third
order of preparation… definitions.
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It cannot begin at: “Women have a right to choose to do what they want with their body.”
It cannot begin at, “It’s not fair if she’s been raped.”
It cannot begin with, “Pro-lifers care so much about the baby but what about the after-birth support - the rest of the Pro-Life story?”
It cannot begin with, “Men have freedom over their lives after sex - women don’t. That needs to change.”
It cannot begin at, “If abortion becomes illegal, then guns should be, too.”
It cannot begin at, “Abortion will save many women’s lives.”
Nor with, “You cannot separate the act of sex from the reality of of procreation.”
… these are all important issues to hash out, and there are many more, too.
But that is not where this conversation can begin.
Unironically, we can only begin at the conception of human life.
If conversation begins with any of the above or something of similar ilk, ask to back up.
Back up.
Definitions.
This is where we begin.
The heart of any topic.
A definition is filled with preconceptions, values, beliefs, realities… perimeters, boundaries, baselines.
Definitions, in essence, are made up of reality and philosophy.
There are a handful of definitions that are needed before any discussion can be had about anything, much less:
“Is abortion right or wrong, should it be legal, illegal, etc.”
Some definitions:
… What is an abortion?
… What is a fetus?
… What is a human?
There is a philosophical question that is buried inside the question “What is a human.”
It is the one that ultimately separates anti-abortionists from abortionists:
… When is a human a human?
… What constitutes being human?
When does the human soul begin?
Some possible responses to this philosophical question:
… I don’t know - know one can know that.
… 2nd Trimester
… when they are fully formed in the mother’s womb
… when the fetus “heartbeat” starts
… at conception.
Whatever the answer may be… that answer will determine where the rest of conversation can travel.
The answer is the signpost.
The answer is a tributary of a jungle river.
The discussion on Abortion cannot begin anywhere else.
When does the human soul begin?
There is only one reason an anti-abortionist is an anti-abortionist.
The reason is:
we believe that a human life - unique and independent (although physically dependent for a while) from mother and father - begins at conception.
We cannot believe such a thing as this, and also believe abortion should be legal.
All other issues that arise from making abortion illegal, need to be addressed.
But they need to be addressed independently, on a case-by-case situation.
Not by legalizing the termination of an independent human soul.
