Intentionality on the Internet

by Melissa Kummerow

I quit Facebook first, awhile back, for various reasons that I’ve written at length about elsewhere (at the time of my quitting).

To replace, I was used Tumblr predominantly, and it was a better alternative to Facebook for a few reasons - the main one, it introduced me to Father David Abernethy’s Philokalia Ministries.

               Secondly, it was a place for peace.

               I was scrolling and reposting calm photos. It was the “calm side” of social media. I needed calm and inspiration and a place to share with a community, and Tumblr seemed the ticket.

               But - it became an addiction, with no real benefit. I was going onto the platform out of habit, not with any real intentionality. And when I did go on with intention… what was the outcome? Who was I really affecting?  So, I quit Tumblr, understanding that my influence was negligent and my time severely wasted.

I came into Instagram a little after Tumblr.

               At first I was hesitant because I thought it was just a sneaky way back into Facebook. But, I soon found Instagram felt a little more community-oriented than Tumblr; for starters, I could find “IRL” friends and local businesses on the platform, as well as connecting with kindred spirits of the “stranger” kind. So, Instagram was like a mix between Tumblr’s inspiration and calm, and Facebook’s local connection (if I so wanted). There was flexibility.

But now at the end of December 2022, I have removed the Instagram app from my phone and bookmark bar: I have decided to walk away from this platform just as I have walked away from Facebook and Tumblr.

               (One caveat: I have since rejoined FB, but because I have been able to figure out a way to intentionaly use it. It is not for me posting in order for posts to be liked or shared, not for me to be seen, nor for even friend and family connections, but for: 1. keeping an eye on local happenings and updates, and 2. To link to my website any updates I have.

               I have decided to use Facebook in a specific way, at the risk of offending those who send me Friend Requests and I do not respond. My intention with facebook is twofold: 1. If anyone is interested in what I have to share, they can come check out my profile, and find my Website. 2. I only follow business and community pages, so that my newsfeed keeps its focus on community updates).

Before I quit Instagram though, I needed to break-down my journey on the platform.

               When I first started Instagram, I intended for it to be related to Writing Prompts. My intention, my mission, was specific: to inspire all “those writers out there” to just write. Naturally, the idea was helpful to me, as well. But also naturally, I became a little tired of the same-old. That, and the lack of support, made me rethink this “writing prompt curation” idea.

               So I changed my Instagram into more of a “Melissa the Author’s Life” type of page. Not so prompt-heavy, but just “writers’ life.” This also helped me to stay on task with writing.

               But again:  who was I really benefiting?

               Why was I doing this?

               To capture the views of a couple people, hopefully writers with greater influence than myself, scrolling (maybe not even reading), and clicking “like” and moving onto their lives?

               Was the purpose of my posts to be seen by the “writing community” and network? And if so, to what end? To be published? To gain a following so that enough people will buy my writing when or if I ever get published?

               Is this really the only way - this arduous, tiresome Algorithmic game?

               And also: what about all the other aspects of my life: I like to sing, to craft. I am a Catholic. According to the Algorithm, I would need to create a second account based on all the “other stuff” if I were to maintain my carefully-curated “writer’s profile.”     Is that what I wanted? 

               My IG then gradually morphed into a “catch-all.”

               At that point… the IG account started to feel to me, essentially, to be a more artistic version of Facebook.

               This, too, became tiresome! And so I began to think about Intention again: my faith is the foundation of my being. So, what about sharing my Catholic journey on IG? Cue, my Catholic IG account.

And then, again, I came to a stalemate.

               What was the damn point of all this?

               Why did I want people to see my stuff, my posts? Why did I want a following?

               Was I really impacting anyone in a meaningful way?

               What does all the visibility - even to friends and family - really “equate” to, online?

And so, come December 2022, I have decided that this platform called IG, too, shall pass.

Intention with the Internet - is something with which I have needed to sit down.

               Intention is a word I am thinking about a lot lately. Life can sometimes feel like it is careening any-which-way… and it really has no reason to stop, unless I step in and sit down with it. Stare it in the eyes.

Asking myself, “What is it that I want… in life?”

I have never thought about asking this fundamental question in regards to my internet activity. Sure, I have asked,

               “What do I want to do with this platform?”

               in regards to how I would use a Tumblr, IG, or FB account… but eventually the question and intentions always fall flat. So, that means the question I am posing is not doing enough work. It’s not getting to the “point.”

               The question needs to go even farther back - into my very being.

               Not just, “What do I want out of this platform?” but the very existential:

“What do I really want out of life?”

Or even yet, “What don’t I want out of life?” (That is perhaps the even better place to begin, with such a vast question.)              

Before I get closer to answering those questions, a little bit more about my relationship with our ever-present internet.

Internet has mostly been an intention-less part of my life.

               I don’t remember a conversation about internet, including what its purpose might be best used for, when our family first intalled dial-up (other than converstaions about time-limit, since phone calls were halted during internet usage).

               This is not a criticism, just an observation. I am sure a number of families were the same. After all, internet was new, exciting, the future - why would we sit down and about how to use it, how it should or could be used, when we didn’t really know ourselves? Also, when surely the rest of the world was jumping on the new vehicle full-boar.

               So, we went about our way with this new tool, this new form of entertainment. My sister and I somehow stumbled upon Harry Potter community sites, later Runescape, and I didn’t look back on my pre-internet days or question how I was going to inter-act with the inter-net.

Until, really, now.

I look back at all my little failed attempts and unfulfilling endeavors on my various internet accounts, and I wonder if I have been approaching the internet all wrong. I have been treating it like the air I breathe or like a job that I must maintain.

               There is an underlying feeling that I should be on the internet. Like, if I’m not on the internet with an updated social account, I somehow will no longer be important to my friends and family and world.

               But, as I step away from IG a little bit, I have come to clearly see that the feeling of “I should go on the internet” is not based in my own desire but more like a peer-pressure type of pull than it does a natural desire.

One could argue that I’ve encountered just a classic case of internet addiction. And sure, there is that.

               But isn’t there more to unpack?

I have been trying to figure it out even more: why did it become an addiction in the first place?

               What is it about the internet that has drawn me?

In an age of “Share Everything With Anyone,” that has been my draw as well: to share with… well, strangers, apparently. (Side note: isn’t it funny how we conceptualize in-person strangers differently than we do online strangers?)

               My draw has been to attempt to share all those things that are important to me. My writing journey. Poetry. Photography. My Catholic journey. Random crafts I’ve tried.

So, sharing is the main draw.

What does sharing tend toward? A community.

Sharing tends toward creating meaning to the life experience (the artwork, the photograph, the life event, the complaint, etc). Without sharing our life experiences, we live within a void.

So naturally, all this leads toward this type of thinking:

“If sharing makes life meaningful,

and internet is a big way friends and community are sharing their lives and thoughts and updates,

then a meaningful life must mean I, too, must exist and share on the main way of sharing:

which is on the internet.”

As if this isn’t enough to unpack, in addition to desiring to ensure my life experiences are meaningful (via sharing), there is a sort of unerlying pressure to gain a following - to create a micro-community where each of us is the center stage of our shuffling-by audience.

               Sharing our life experiences isn’t enough. These platforms call for followers, for subscribers.

               But it’s tempting to get on board with it. Think of your favorite Podcaster. Or Youtuber. Or Artist on Instagram. Those are each founders of a micro-community - they are sharing and creating meaning for themselves, with the added bonus of gaining a following… and creating a warm, like-minded community.

               And I love seeing different people who I follow gaining a community - Discord channels, a fun Youtube livestream chat; all those inspiring communities that I have been a part of spurs a desire in me to likewise create something warm, welcoming, and beneficial. To “create the community that I wish to see.”

But, really:

I have no desire to be the center of attention.

I don’t desire to be the founder of a community. To have a “following.”

I am thinking more about sharing, and influencing - the two are connected, naturally.

Any time we share something, we are influencing the world around us. Whether good or ill, we are influencing the world.

               But to create a platform with the intention of ether: actively trying to “influence” others (even if it’s a personal account where I hope to influence my followers toward a spiritual life, or to get out in nature, or to enjoy poetry in a new way), or the intention of “making meaning of my life experience” - then my intention and use of the internet has been subverted.

To treat my life experiences like products, and therefore must be capitalized upon like a job (that often pays nothing), is to undermine the meaning of shared experience.

Life experience should never be treated like a commodity.

It should not be treated as an item for sale.

The social media and “influencer” realms are focused around us “selling” our life experience products for X-amount of likes, shares, an follows. And the more we “sell,” the more visible our our business (ie our “online self”), becomes, and the bigger it (“we”) become online.

The realization is now so glaringly obvious to me now, that I cannot allow my online life to have a taint of “selling my influence / experiences” for likes, shares, and follows. Nor even for the hope, expection, or goal of such!

               (Side note: these days, now even when someone “likes” a post, it is possible that they are liking in order that the Algorithm notices their interaction, and rewards them by making their own profile more visible. So they may not even be interacting based on genuineness, but rather based on getting their own profile noticed by others.

               It is also possible that others are ‘liking’ and ‘sharing’ in order that they be liked more by the person whose post they’re interacting with… because don’t we feel like we are ‘giving’ someone something when we ‘like’ and ‘share’ their things? Like they should like us more, because we have supported them in their thing.

               All the ‘liking’ and ‘sharing’ becomes an Algorithmic Game. ‘Liking’ and ‘Sharing’ has now no longer not just a sad excuse for connection, but now it’s a sad excuse for a connection AND just another rat race.)

Going forward.

Does this mean that I do not share my thoughts or life experience in a public setting such as internet or offline public place? No, it does not mean this.

But there is a fine distinction that I am becoming wary of: namely, that if I share something, my aim not be for many people to see it, to gain followers, nor for anything I do or say to go “viral.”

My aim when sharing must be with the hope that the right person at the right time come across it, and be mystified - and thus be moved to discover their own mysteries, find their solitude. In a nutshell, to be moved to our Maker. Who is the Maker of Mysteries, and the source of our Creative Existence.

My intention when sharing must be not that I get likes and follows and publicity, but that the audience (whether it is one or many) pay it forward in their own life. That the audience be moved to create in their own way, as well.

My intention when I share, is that the audience not feel obligated or compelled to interact with me or my thing. An audience should choose to attend to my shares… Not forced to see my shares as they scroll down. I want them to choose to find my work by word of mouth or happenstance or choice, in their own time, because they desire to.

A quick note on Internet and reality.

The internet is a real place, with a real network… but without the sacrifices of reality. It is real because it has real influences, but it is not real because our attempt to influence is often sold cheap: in the form of likes, view time, shares, and follows.

               We cheapen our connections when we cheapen the rewards.

We can argue that a big part of the “meaning of life” includes those two interrelated things: Sharing, and Community.

               And that is why practically living on the Internet feels like a no-brainer: because we can instantly fulfill the “Meaning of Life,” and with no real threat or sacrifice to our well-being.

We can share clips of our singing without seeing live feedback - and we might even get a lot of likes, and some followers, and at the very best, get a record deal! We can take a photo without waiting for the developing process, and without waiting to come into contact with another person to pass the photo… in addition to this convenience, we may even be able to “sell” it for a hundred likes! Think of the influence. That’s a steal.

My intention for internet use in the New Year is to rid myself of the “Influencer” mentality in the public sphere. It’s not in my nature to seek attention, and the internet is no different.

I want people to be mystified again.

I want to see people look into the stars, or stare into a flower, find time for prayer.

I desire not to sell my shares,

but to shepherd stillness.

Not to be upon a stage,

but to walk among the wildflowers and streams,

and maybe others will pay attention to them, too,

and bring them into their solitude.